eating my cookies and drinking my milk in my working mom corner
Welcome to the safe and secure corner of the internet where you can hang out. Told you I’d bring some cookies and milk… so here you go. Now, if you don’t mind, I have a little something I’d like to talk out loud about. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can’t… but sharing is caring and I’m here to do that today. (p.s. my students back in the day were convinced it was me in that commercial… I still don’t see it… do you?)
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I’ve hesitated to write this post, as I trudge and meander around the interwebs day in and day out. But it’s a feeling I have, and I’m hoping that someone out there might relate to it. It’s loneliness…. the loneliness of being a working mom in the blogger/social media world. You may think I mean that I’m hopelessly missing Baby M when I see all of the photos/videos/blogs/mentions of kids all day long, but it’s not really that. Don’t get me wrong, I miss my snugglebug every day, but it’s not a regretful emotion that’s coming up. It’s an exclusivity one.
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The majority of my mommy friends on the web and real life are at home with their kids. They’re either full-time SAHM’s, Canadian 1-year SAHM’s, or just extended maternity leave working moms who haven’t made it back to the job yet. And the mommy blog world, where I stick around on the outskirts, is pretty much all SAHMs all the time. And none of this is a bad thing – I like all of those people that I associate with and love reading about their lives and interacting with them. I’m just not a member of the club and don’t relate to their worlds like their brethren, and I feel like I’m the loner in the other strange land. Like being 5’10 at the age of 12 and wondering why no one else is at eye level? (yeah… maybe this is just a complex I deal with time and time again… if so… forgive me)
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[source: amuckin77]
I don’t know what’s it’s like to struggle day in and day out with maintaining the perfect nap/sleeping schedule. I don’t get to take a photo of her in a pristine outfit daily just because. Daily errands and shopping trips aren’t massive undertakings. And my hair gets washed daily and I rarely get to spend a day in yoga clothes by necessity only. These things are not my life… but it’s a huge part of so many friend’s lives… but my ability to relate fades with every day beyond maternity leave. Sure, I had 6 weeks where I was in the exact same boat as everyone else, but then we moved on and away to another phase. And in my new place, the bloggers/social media mavens aren’t as active nor numerous which creates this lonely boat that I’m in.
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Now I’ve got co-workers to chat to who are working moms, and then there are the awesome moms at daycare that I see weekly around 5:30pm. I can pick out my friends on facebook who are in my same boat, and my no means am I the sole survivor of this by any means. It’s just, well, I thought there’d be a little more of a world I could get muddy with in the sand pit. And I’ve just discovered it’s a bit more elusive than I thought. I really miss being able to comment on friend’s blogs, or facebook status updates, or reply to tweets because… well… every SAHM mom can answer that question but I can’t. And sadly, this train of thought makes me think that I’m “seen” as less of a mom than these ever present and super visible moms (not that I am less of a mom – cause I am a mom 24/7 no matter what anyone says). What that means to the universe, I don’t know. This is a train of thought blog… and that’s where it took me.
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Who knows. Maybe I’m out of the mom loop for some other reason. If that’s the case, then comments in the vein of, “Kim – you’re smoking some crazy baby powder” will help to rectify my observations in the future. I just know that my online mom world is a bit distant for some reason, and I wish it wasn’t so.
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31 Comments
Maya
As of right now (of course things may change in the future), I plan to be a working mom and I have definitely noticed that most blogs are written by SAHMs. It has definitely made me feel a little guilty about my choice-to-be and left me looking for information on how working moms balance work and home life. In that sense, your blog is filling a great void!
Amber
All I can really say is, try belonging to BOTH worlds. Kim, I understand where you’re coming from in some ways. In others, I can’t. I think you know (Right?) that I work- have been back at work since Piper was 6 weeks old- but instead I go to work WITH my child. At first I thought it was easy-peasy. Yeah, it’s not.
I can’t relate to the SAHM moms because I can’t bring her out places for fun- no Zoo trips, storybook hours (Why don’t they have those AFTER 5 for working moms who would like to spend fun, quality time with their babies??), to quick trips to the mall or the market. Everything we do is done in that small window of 4-6, any later and we’re messing with bedtime, and I’m sorry, but that’s equally important to me.
I also can’t relate to the working moms. I get the joy of having my baby with me at all times, catching all the milestones, being the one to attempt to put her down for her nap (and by down I mean rolling her in her stroller three times a baby to put her to sleep). So in that aspect, I am lucky. But then again- as much as i love my daughter, and my “Mommy” role- I’m with her 24/7. All the time. And BOY it is hard to get work done with her here. We have no other options, daycare is too expensive so working would be a moot point, and I can’t afford to be a one income family, especially in the summer when Paul is out of school. While I’m lucky that my office accommodates us so well, I constantly feel like I’m playing catch up.
Honestly, I wish I could belong to ONE group, because I don’t think I have a membership in either camps- SAHMs or Working Moms. It’s hard to know you’re basically alone in your problems, and no one else can really understand how it feels- even Work from Home moms can’t understand how hard it is.
To ME, you are not even CLOSE to less of a mom. You are doing what MANY moms are doing. You love your daughter just like every other mom- no matter where you work. You’re providing for your family, as am I, and you’re doing wonderfully toeing both lines.
kimberly michelle
Amber – I totally understand the unique situation that you’re in and how strange it must be. Lord knows that Mr. M’s adventure in “working from home” when she has a fever is probably only a taste of what you see day in and day out!
Charmi
I also plan to be a working mom. I do see more SAHM blogs but maybe thats because there is slightly more time to write blog posts when you are a SAHM? Although I can imagine (and I’ve heard) its just as difficult in different ways so I really don’t know. Until I join you one day as a working mom, you should fill the void for working mom blogs! You are an incredible writer and I’m sure lots of working mom’s would appreciate it.
Amber
Sorry for the typo: three times a DAY, not baby.
A. Marigold
Have you ever come across http://lagliv.blogspot.com? Until recently, hers was the only “working mom” blog I’d ever read. Since I plan to be one, too, it was quite the revelation to me that people are able to balance (demanding) careers with growing families. You might enjoy it. :)
kimberly michelle
Thank you for the recommendation! I’m running off to check it out now!
Disgruntled Julie
I think a lot of the feeling of being overwhelmed with SAHM blogs is because… well…. they have very little to blog about other than actually being a SAHM. They take pictures of their little ones in daily outfits because that is the variety they have in life. In the science blogging community, there are LOTS of working mothers — but they tend to blog mostly about science and careers, with the occasional “I spent a weekend out of the lab and did XYZ with my child!” type post.
As far as what other people think about your working, and if that makes you “less” of a mother…. only you know what is best for your daughter. When we have children someday, I will absolutely not need to work, given my husband’s future salary as a radiologist attending. However, I have no intention of giving up my career — not only am I working really hard to establish it, but I see nothing at all wrong with being a working mother. I specifically do NOT want to become a parent whose entire life revolves around her children; I want to remain my own person, too. And, I suspect many children grow up better socialized and more adaptable if they are in a daycare/preschool type environment than if they grow up with a mother who is around 24 hours a day to cater to their every desire. Plus, you are going to raise your daughter to know she CAN have it all — a loving family, wonderful children, and a satisfying career, rather than her wondering if she will have to sacrifice one for the other.
I know it doesn’t help in terms of you finding more people in your same boat, but I am sure that many other not-yet-mothers who plan on working love reading your blog, both for retaining the variety from before (i.e., not converting all posts about kids, all the time) and for realizing that we too will be able to do have both children and a career in the future!
kimberly michelle
Thanks Julie! I think that’s just what I’m pondering… and realizing that I’ve always fit more in the “we kinda do everything” crowd than the niche one anyhow. :) I’ve never been one to fit under a tight label, so I’m not quite sure why I thought that the MOM one would stand out more than others in the bucket.
Michelle
I’m not a mom yet but I have several friends who are stay at home mom’s and read blogs of stay at home mom’s and to be honest, it kind of terrifies me. Sure, I would love to be with my future child all day and not have to pay money to child care. I think there are benefits to children learning social cues early in life at a day care setting. And I understand the benefits of keeping your kids home with a parent until they go to kindergarten.
But the thing I fear is losing myself to the “mom” title. I want to be more than a mom when the time comes. I want to interact with the world and not think that my world only revolves around taking care of my child. I may sound naive and stupid since I don’t have kids yet.
I’m sure lots of working moms feel this way so know that you are not alone but you should embrace your role just as SAHM’s embrace theirs.
kimberly michelle
…running off to make myself a “TEAM working mom” t-shirt. :)
Ali
This is exactly the sort of post I’ve been looking for. I wrestle with whether or not I even want to have kids- but I do know that if we decide to become parents, I’ll absolutely continue to work.
I actually don’t know any women who successfully worked or is working full time while raising a family, which makes me wonder to the extent that this is possible? I’d love to hear more of your perspectives on it, and how you manage working, being a wife and being a mother all at the same time.
kimberly michelle
Ali – I’ll be sure to incorporate that train of thought into my posts a bit more. I mean, to me it’s obvious that a trip to the grocery store is a luxury (since I have nighttime pick-up duties)… but I don’t think I always share that much. But I will be cognizant of it within my voice in the future. :) It’s all quite a fun family adventure… and it really is a joint effort to make it all work out!
sandy
I don’t have any kids, but I plan to be a SAHM. I do think it’s rare to find a baby blog not written by a SAHM, but I follow one that’s well written so maybe you could relate to her:
http://julia-transition.blogspot.com/
kimberly michelle
keep the awesome links coming! Another subscription in the bag!
Nani
I was a working mom before I became a SAHM so I know where you are coming from and pretty soon it may be that I will be working yet again. It’s hard to find mommy blogs about working mom’s these days, I think mostly because they are very busy and don’t have time to blog or it’s such a narrow blogging corner that in the sea of SAHM it’s harder to find them. I for one would love to hear about a working mom’s mind.
kimberly michelle
I have a feeling that the computer is less of an escape for working moms than SAHMs… and that might be part of the issue. Especially working moms who are on computers all day anyhow! :) But I’ll keep my voice out there… and it’s nice to read/hear Mr. M’s voice on his blog too (even though he’s the “standard” working Dad).
Michelle
My Life in Transition is an excellent blog!! I have been following Julia for about a year and a half now. She just went back to work. Her son was born just a few days after Baby M!
tracey
kim .. i know/feel your pain as a working mom too. my lil one is turning one in a few short weeks (ALREADY ?!?) and there is a definite divide. i can’t relate to the sahms and i can definitely relate to the working moms out there.
to the pp, it IS possible to a great career and a great family …you have to learn to pick and choose and in some instances scale back. in 2001, i was hellbent on returning to law school. 9/11 happened and i took a step back realizing what i would be missing by being chained to a big law desk to work the crazy big law hours to pay back the HUGE loans i’d need to take out to finish my JD – those first smiles, giggles and steps i’d miss out on. instead of finishing up my law degree, i continued on as a paralegal, a job i love that allows me to witness those first smiles, giggles and any day now, those first steps.
kimberly michelle
Tracey – thanks for the compassion in the corner! :) On a totally unrelated note — I’m so happy to see that we share a bit in common w/regard to how 9/11 impacted us! I was all set to jump into a world of sports media or politics and then 9/11 hit right before my senior year started. I did a complete 180 and turned my direction toward service and haven’t looked back since! :)
Aubrey @ My Simple Everyday
I will probably be feeling your pain in the future… Not a mother yet, but I’m sure I will be a working mom and there aren’t very many working mommy blogs out there.. I second what Ali mentioned above and would love to hear how more about how you manage to balance everything…
kimberly michelle
Aubrey – I will definitely think about how to incorporate it a bit more! Maybe it’s just a voice that is whispered… and I should bring it into focus a bit more.
Kelly | Glamour This
Even though we are extremely lucky in Canada to have 50 weeks of maternity leave, I probably won’t have the choice but to go back early… or will have to find a way to work from home for a while. Even though I’m not technically going back to work in 6 weeks time like you, I don’t or will not consider myself to be a SAHM. Not even close.
I was raised with a single mother and a working mother is something I’ve always seen myself doing when I would have my own kids. I don’t consider it a failure, actually not even close. But i understand your sentiment about all the SAHM blogs or posts going on. Because you are a working mother doesn’t make you less of a mom… not even close. I actually look up to working moms as much as SAHM. Everyone is different, and there is no right or wrong, just what you feel is right for your situation.
kimberly michelle
Thanks Kelly! I’ll be happy to be laughing about all of this a year from now with you… and how silly we are. P.S. what the heck are you doing commenting here?!? Do I need to send the labor fairies north?? :)
TwoWishes Tara
Funny, I’m in an opposite place in the real world — all my friends are working parents. They envy the time I spend with the baby, and meanwhile I’m at least as envious of their daily escape into the adult world.
On the blog front, my theory is that being a SAHM/SAHD can leave a person feeling lost. We tend to base a big piece of identity around career and education, so what happens when those things are gone? Most working parents will never know the moment of sheer panic when you realize someone is about to ask “What do you do for a living?” (Not to mention checking “unemployed” on demographic forms.) So you try to find some kind of purpose on the side. But most little ones don’t leave much time till after they go to bed, so that “something on the side” has to be do-able after 8 p.m. Ideally it should take few resources in money or supplies. And some sense of community helps when you’re dealing with social isolation every day. Voila … blogging!
TikiBird
I like your stream-of-consciousness post, Kim. I hope all the supportive comments so far have shown you you’re certainly not alone. Have you checked out Mommy Tracked (http://www.mommytracked.com)? Maybe you could get an in-person mom’s group together of your coworkers or daycare friends?
As a mom who didn’t plan on being a SAHM, worked outside the home post-baby, now is a SAHM, and sometimes freelances inside and outside the home, it’s definitely weird to feel “worlds colliding.”
But we’re all members of the same big parenting club. For me, all it takes is a trip to any public place to remind me of that, while I exchange smiles or sympathy with another parent whose kid is going bonkers or being adorable along with my own kid. When our toddlers are all freaking out in line at a crowded store, it doesn’t matter what the other parent does during the day, I’m glad someone else is there with me!
EP
Good luck Kim! I was in that boat for 2 years, and it was tough. Now I stay at home, and don’t fit in with stay at home moms, who only want to talk about their kids.
I feel like I have lost a part of who I am by not working.
Hang in there. It’s hard working and being a momma, but it will all sort out in the wash.
Katie
Hi Kim,
I just found your blog and I absolutely love it! I can totally relate to this post as a I am a Mom blogger who works FT outside of the home too. It’s really hard to leave my daughter at daycare everyday and I totally wish I could be a SAHM, but financially there is just no possible way. It really does seem like all of the other bloggers are SAHM and I am not gonne lie — I am totally jealous and do feel left out of the loop too. But it’s really cool to find fellow working Mamas like you! :)
Thanks for posting your feelings — you made me feel a lot better as I having an extra guilty feeling day. LOL
Misty
Your post today resonated with me as I have worked full time, stayed at home and, currently, work part time. There is no perfect situation – the key is to be happy with the season you are in. After reading your post, I asked my kids, ages 13 and 8, which ‘season’ they enjoyed mama better: working full time, staying at home or working part-time. Their responses surprised me as there wasn’t any one lifestyle they preferred, they just know they are happier when mama isn’t tired, worried or overly busy. Well, all 3 of these ‘worlds’ give cause to be tired, worried and busy. The key is to be content in your situation (i.e. ditch the guilt,) keep yourself healthy and don’t overschedule your lives so that you have time to make your house a home: a clean, warm, safe place to land (whether you land at 3:00, 5:30 or are there all day long.) Also, as mothers, we shouldn’t divide over one anothers’ choices, but help one another whether or not the favor can ever be returned. As a fellow working mother, I encourage you to continue in this subject – it serves all mothers well!
Amanda
I know exactly how you feel! I’m a single working mom, so I don’t fit in with SAHMs and none of my co-workers are moms. I feel like I have no one to relate to. I actually considered starting a blog a while back, but seems like they are all by SAHMs and I wasn’t sure anyone would understand what I was writing about. Glad to find your blog!
Anonymous
Thank you for posting this. There is a certain blog out there that I really enjoyed reading until it became all about being a SAHM and ONLY posts of her child. And a lot of whining about life and things in general. Maybe if she had a focus besides her child, she might have a little perspective.
I don’t have kids (yet) but when I do, I plan to be a working mom. So I appreciate this post and enjoy reading your blog. I was starting to feel like you had to be a SAHM to be considered a mom. I would love to hear your ups and downs with being a working mom more on your blog.
You do everything they do, you just work too. Just my opinion…